


really fucked it up this time, didn't i my dear?

by artsyleo



Series: comfortember 2020 [8]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Arguing, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Episode Fix-it, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Light Angst, M/M, Tumblr Prompt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-08
Updated: 2020-11-08
Packaged: 2021-03-09 05:48:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27459730
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/artsyleo/pseuds/artsyleo
Summary: comfortember prompt day 8 - lashing outthey argue, and ben says something he regrets, and looks after callum in the aftermath.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: comfortember 2020 [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1995826
Comments: 4
Kudos: 82





	really fucked it up this time, didn't i my dear?

**Author's Note:**

> tw for referenced cheating, arguing and drunkenness towards the end

Maybe they should’ve expected this. It’s been like walking on eggshells between them for weeks, like they’re both constantly on edge waiting for the other to snap and it’s no way to live but they’re both too scared to admit it. They love each other, and  _ fuck _ , that’s never once in doubt. They’ll always love each other, probably more than they know how to deal with, and maybe that’s a contributing factor. But they’ve both grown up around so much anger, so much aggression and fear that they’re both scared of admitting that something’s wrong, in case it’s more than just a little  _ something _ . So it simmers, and they don’t talk about it. They hang on to the fact that they’re living together, finally, and that they get to be together, and ignore the thing that’s simmering underneath it all. 

But of course, it can’t last forever. Ben’s  _ worried.  _ He’s never seen Callum like this, maybe not since before they got together, before he came out and that’s what scares him. Realistically, he knows that it’s ridiculous but the longer it goes on, the more the rationality seeps out of him, and he’s just left with this hopeless insecurity that it was only a matter of time. More than that though, he’s worried for Callum- there’s something wrong, because Ben’s not blind, he can see how lying about whatever it is is tearing him apart. 

He hates that it’s tempting, but there’s an ugly head rearing in Ben’s chest, something like jealousy and petty anger and so when he sees Callum’s phone, it’s a thought he can’t get out of his head. He picks it up from where it’s fallen on the floor, and checks the top of the stairs before rationality kicks in and it hits him just how  _ stupid  _ he’s being. Callum loves him, more than anything, and he knows that. 

“Ben, what are you doing?” 

Callum’s voice catches him off guard, and there’s no going back now- he knows exactly what this looks like. 

“Just- sorting your jacket out,” Ben says, slipping Callum’s phone back into his pocket and hanging the jacket back on the bannister. “Thought you were going for a lie down.” 

“Yeah, well, forgot my phone,” Callum says, coming to the bottom of the stairs. There’s anger in his voice that feels so unnatural for the man in front of him, and it  _ hurts _ . “Are you checking up on me?” 

“Of course not!” Ben replies, and the thing that feels like it’s been simmering is boiling, bubbling up-

“I’d rather you didn’t go behind my back, Ben.” 

“Oh come on, Callum,” he says, and Ben knows that there’s anger slipping into his own voice now, as much as he really doesn’t want to fight with Callum- it’s this insecurity, burning him up. “I mean you’ve been acting weird recently, you’re scrambling for your phone every time it rings, making sure that I can’t see who’s calling?”

“You should trust me.” 

“I do. But right now you’re acting like you’ve got something to hide.” 

There’s confusion on Callum’s face, incredulous, like he hasn’t felt the tension of these last few weeks but Ben knows better, knows that it’s a facade. His eyes give away too much. “What are you accusing me of, Ben? What do you think I’ve done? Do you really think I could hide anything from you?” 

“Well you are, ain’t you?” he says, and he’s so close to shouting, and he desperately doesn’t want to but it’s all coming out now, and he’s hopeless to stop it. Fuck, he’s always been terrible at controlling himself like this. “Otherwise you wouldn’t be glued to your phone.” 

“I don’t know what you think I could’ve done, Ben!” he says back, and his voice is rising too, and they’re going for this and he knows Callum hates it too. But the simmering that was bubbling is boiling, threatening to spill over, and there’s no stopping it. 

“Do you think I’m stupid, Callum? What, sneaking off, hiding your phone, running away the minute it rings? The fact that you can hardly even look at me? Th-the fact that you haven’t kissed me since yesterday morning?”

“Ben-”

“What, found yourself a nice little bit on the side, yeah?” Ben says, and it  _ burns _ , the look on Callum’s face, the shock mixed with hurt and burning anger.

“How could you think that, Ben?” Callum shouts. “What, do you actually think I’d do that?”

“Well it isn’t like you ain’t got form!”

Ben hates himself the minute the words leave his mouth, because  _ he knows.  _ He’s so aware that it’ll hurt, knows he’s giving in to his own insecurity and using it against Callum, but he can’t seem to stop himself. He regrets the words immediately, but it’s too late then- the simmering has boiled over, and the messy truth is everywhere. There’s no going back now, no taking the words away from Callum’s ears, making them unsaid. He’s done it, and now he has to take responsibility. 

Callum’s face changes the second that the words register and it’s pure hurt, insecurity and guilt taking over and there are tears in his eyes even though they burn with fire. There’s a hitch in his chest, and he comes down the last of the stairs, tearing his jacket off the bannister. 

He reaches out and catches his wrist. “Callum-”

“Get off me!” he shouts, yanking his wrist out of Ben’s grip, and storms out of the house. 

Ben’s alone, and the silence burns. 

-

He almost doesn’t catch it when his phone chimes, too caught up in agonising over how the fuck he’s going to fix this. The screen lights up, though, and he races across the room, blind hope that it’s Callum. It’s not, and somehow it’s worse-

_ Tina: I don’t know what’s happened with you two, but you need to come get Callum. We’re at the Albert.  _

His heart’s racing, a million times a minute, and the only thing that he can think is that he needs to be there, needs to do  _ something _ good. 

He shoves his shoes on and grabs his keys, and he’s out of the door. 

-

As soon as he gets there, Tina’s looking for him by the toilets, a worried look on her face. 

“He’s in the closed cubicle, won’t come out. I won’t let anyone else in,” she says.

“Thanks,” he mutters to her, and pushes the door open then closed behind him. 

There’s one cubicle door closed in the middle, the others wide open. The smell of sick hits his nose as soon as he gets in the room, and his heart drops into his stomach. 

“Cal?” he calls, although he wouldn’t be surprised if he’s the last person Callum wants to see. There’s a faint grumble that he thinks he can hear, but it’s too quiet and his processor doesn’t pick it up properly. “Can you open the door? I can’t hear you properly. I won’t come in if you don’t want me to, I just wanna know you’re there.” There’s no response, at least as far as he can hear, but a minute later the door swings open. 

Callum’s sat across the cubicle, back slumped against one wall and feet hooked under the other. His hands are in his lap, still shaking slightly, and he’s staring straight ahead of him, though Ben can see the mess the tears have made of his cheeks. His hair’s all ruffled too, like he’s been running his hands through it. 

“Tina call you?” Callum says, and his words are slurred slightly, running together in a way that’s so unlike him. He’s not one to get drunk, ever, really. Ben’s probably seen him properly drunk once, and tipsy a handful of times. This, though- he’s properly drunk, and he’s got no doubt that the smell of vomit is from the toilet next to him. He slides down to sit against the wall, facing Callum.

“She texted me, she was worried about you,” Ben says. “Just like I am.” 

“Wha’ right have you got to be worried, ‘ey?” Callum replies, but all of the conviction is gone, like he’s given up on being angry. It still burns though, because it’s true. 

“None, I-I ain’t got any right,” Ben says, and that must surprise him because Callum turns to look at him. “I don’t think I could ever stop apologising for what I said. It’s not an excuse, but I was stupid, and worried, and insecure, and-  _ fuck _ , I’m so, so sorry, Callum. I didn’t mean it, any of it.”

Callum nods, slow, like he’s considering what to say next. There’s another minute of silence and Ben’s starting to think maybe he’s passed out, before he speaks up again. 

“I cheated on Whit because I wasn’t happy, ya know?” he starts, and there’s still guilt threading through his voice. 

“I know, I know, and it was stupid of me to say you would-”

“Ben, wait, just- wanna say it,” Callum says, and Ben just nods. 

“I cheated on her ‘cause I was so scared, ‘cause everything was moving so fast. Then I met you, an’ it just- worked. In my head. Like just- felt right, you know? And it ain’t an excuse, I still  _ hate _ that I did it, but I was just so miserable. An’ then when we got together it was just like,  _ right _ , it just felt like I got it, ya know? Like I got what it was supposed to feel like to be in love.” 

It takes him a minute to process what Callum’s just said, let the words sink in properly and understand what he’s saying. It’s a love confession like he’s never had before, like he’s sure he doesn’t deserve after what he’s done, but yet Callum’s sat here, blind drunk and telling him how much he loves him. There’s tears in his eyes, and he’s not strong enough to stop them. 

“An’ that’s why it hurt so much when you said that earlier,” he says, but he’s looking at Ben now, which is something. “Because I’ll never feel like I did with Whit, when I’m with you.” 

“Fuck, I love you so much, Cal,” Ben says, because he’s ost for words, so damn speechless. “I’m so sorry, really.”

“It’ll be alrigh’, Ben,” Callum says with a half-lidded smile. “Think maybe you need to get me home now though.” 

“Yeah, yeah,” Ben says, a little laugh escaping him. “Come on then, tiger. Let’s get you home.” 

-

Callum’s quietened down by the time they make it home, and Ben deposits him on their bed, before getting himself changed and getting a glass of water and some tablets for Callum’s head in the morning. He’s not moved at all from where Ben had left him when he went downstairs, and takes a while to look up at him when he gets in the room. 

“You need a shower?” Ben says quietly, a hand sweeping over Callum’s jaw. 

He shakes his head and nuzzles into Ben’s hand. “Nah, mornin’s fine. Might, uh, brush my teeth though.” 

“You want me to get it for you?” Ben says when Callum makes no effort to move. An embarrassed blush creeps across his cheeks, and he nods. “Alright baby, just wait there.” 

It’s soft, domestic, but he can’t enjoy it, not when Callum seems so out of himself. It breaks his heart that all of this has happened and he’s got no clue how to properly help him, so he settles for this- helping him get ready, taking his clothes off slowly and changing them for his pyjamas. He seems almost asleep by the time they’re done, so Ben shifts him under the covers and lies next to him. Within a couple of seconds of Ben lying down, Callum shifts so that his head is over Ben’s heart, arms across his chest pulling him closer. Ben moves a hand up to stroke through his hair, gentle enough to lull him to sleep. 

When Ben’s sure he’s asleep, he slips his audio processor out and moves in closer, not daring to remove his hand from Callum’s hair. He places a kiss there, and holds Callum closer, if it’s even possible. 

**Author's Note:**

> ahhh i couldn't stop thinking about this when the pictures for the scene last week came out so i made it into a fic so you can all suffer with me lmao   
> anyways!! hope you all are enjoying comfortember so far, and comments and kudos mean the absolute world to me, and feel free to come scream at me on my tumblr @artsy-highway, stay safe lovely people!  
> leo x


End file.
